No More Woof!

The “Nordic Society for Invention and Discovery” has developed a device that reads the brain activity of doggies and translates recognized patterns into human speech. They’ve called this device “No More Woof”. Apparently it’ll come with a selection of different dog characters – each with their own voice and phrasing style – so you can pick one that more closely matches your own dog. However, looking at the characters currently on the No More Woof website I see a bulldog, a terrier, various toy dog breeds, a poodle, a whippet and so on, but not a single Beagle. I wonder why this could be?

  • Is the NSID anti-Beagle?
  • Is it because Beagle brainwaves are too hard to read?
  • Is it because Beagles spend so much of their time contemplating high level concepts that such a puny device couldn’t possibly translate? (Unlikely, if you ask me)
  • Could it be that endless repetition of certain stock phrases could make the device particularly tiresome to Beagle owners. For example, how many times a day do you think you’d end up hearing the following:


I want your food!!


I’ve just farted and I don’t care!

One other possible reason for the lack of a Beagle character could simply be that Beagles are the potty-mouths of the dog world. I’m in no doubt that Beanie & Biggles use way more foul-mouthed expletives on a daily basis than even I do. Whatever Beanie keeps saying to the overweight Collie at the local farm, I’m sure it isn’t printable. And the other day when Biggles tried to slurp out of Susan’s coffee mug but found that it was too hot and growled at it.. well that growl wasn’t saying “fiddlesticks” I can tell you. And don’t get me started on what he says about the neighbors and the postman. Yep, I reckon if there’s ever a “No More Woof” product for Beagles it’ll come with a PG rating, an advisory note about foul language, and the voice of Gordon Ramsay.



8 Replies to “No More Woof!”

  1. Julie Gill

    Wouldn’t it be great to be able to understand what our two are thinking and saying, especially to other dogs!! we know that most of the communication with us is about food and walks, the two main things that occupy a beagle’s mind!!

  2. Julie Gill

    Forgot to ask before – Paul and Susan, have you seen the Run Free Campaign on the Beagle Welfare website? There’s an e-petition against beagles being used for experimentation purposes; would you sign it please (if you haven’t already!). Many thanks.

  3. Susan in DE

    Julie, thanks for bringing this effort to my attention, and thanks to Paul for providing the link. I’ve added my signature, I hope it helps (even though I’m not in the UK … looked like there were other US citizens signing, so I hope the international support doesn’t negate it in any way).

  4. Susan in DE

    I’m very hopeful that the UK will eliminate lab animals (not just beagles) and it’s likely it will happen there before it does in the US. It’s still legal and acceptable here to crop ears and dock tails (the latter on horses as well) and fox hunt.

  5. Kaye - Bode's mum

    I laughed out loud at the description of the Beanster and Biggle’s potty-mouths – Bode’s mouth is so vile he would make a pirate blush! Glad to know that we aren’t the only beag parents who can hear what they are really saying.

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