If Scottish Water had Beagles working for them instead of humans, their recent overhaul of our local pipework would have taken hours instead of weeks. There’d have been no need for machinery, generators or traffic cones. The workers would have simply turned up in their tricolored hi-vis jackets, stuck their bums in the air and got their forelimbs straight to work. There might have been the occasional break to pick up fallen chips and food wrappers from the pavement, or woof at a passing postman, but generally progress would have been very rapid. It certainly was when Beanie followed the trail of some unknown nighttime invader to the rear fence of our garden, rolled up her sleeves and started her latest digging project. I caught her just as she was trying to squeeze her head and shoulders through the gap she’d created, and even though I toweled her off she still brought an impressive amount of mud into the house on her paws.

In the past I’d have responded to this apparent escape attempt by turning the rear fence into a DIY version of the Berlin Wall, but this time I just packed the mud and earth back into the hole and bided my time. Sure enough, two days on Beanie seems to have forgotten about her digging project. Presumably the critter that inspired it has now found a different garden to invade, but there’d have been no digging at all if Beanie & Biggles had caught the little bugger when it first trespassed. With that in mind we’ve been training up their hunting skills, and not knowing the species of critter we’re up against, we’ve tried to cover all the bases.

We started with squirrels.

Squirrels are supposed to be the supreme athletes of the rodent world, but Beanie found this one to be easy prey. It was slow moving, unable to climb, and contained two squeakers; one in the head, and one in the tail, though the tail one didn’t work terribly well, especially after the following incident:

We also tried raccoons. These aren’t common in Scotland but occasionally they have been known to escape from a shop in Irvine called “Homebase”. Homebase doesn’t allow Beagles on their premises. If they did, I’m 100% certain they wouldn’t have a raccoon problem.

Got it!

Killed it! What’s next?

We finished up with the toughest challenge of the day; the orange mini space-hopper. These are wily customers. They bounce in unexpected directions, easily escape from one’s mouth when wet, and keep on squeaking no matter how many times you bite ‘em.

Though Beanie caught the space-hopper many times she never managed to kill it, and both she and Biggles had to retire from their training session knowing that there was still one species out there that could defeat them. Their failure clearly weighed heavily on their minds.

Well, it weighed heavily on Beanie’s mind anyway.

I’ve been training hard and sticking to the diet we started at the New Year, and mostly feeling pretty good on it. Yesterday however I did a pretty hard “legs” session at the gym and today hunger has dominated my thoughts. On tonight’s dog walk – just before tea – Beanie & Biggles found a trail of crisps and assorted snack wrappers and it sent them straight into “spider-beagle” mode. For those who aren’t familiar with that term, it’s my attempt to describe the spread-eagle stance our Beagles adopt when they’ve found something they think is edible and they want to resist the tug of the lead for as long as possible. When they get like this, the walk descends into a dragathon; first I’m trying to pull them away from one site of interest, and just as I succeed, they sniff another site up ahead and suddenly they’re dragging me towards it. Anyway, the thing is, tonight I was almost as interested in their finds as they were. Every “Flake” or “Cadbury’s Caramel” wrapper they located sent me off into a brief food-related fantasy. I didn’t salivate at the sight of dog poo like they did, but when we got back home I demanded my tea double-quick, just like Beanie.

The two Bs have been mostly sticking to their New Year resolutions too, though for Biggles the strain of not opening the toy cupboard (much) has pushed him back into his old sock addicted ways..

I can confirm that socks were harmed during the making of these photos, but it was a worthwhile sacrifice!

Just like non-furry children, Beanie & Biggles enjoyed the boxes their pressies came in almost as much as the pressies themselves, especially as those boxes were filled with extra surprises like doggy chocolate buttons and biccies.

Biggles is so intent on checking out the box that he misses the chocolate button – but only for a second!

Beanie’s taking no chances on missing anything, and decides to eat the box as well as everything inside it

Their main pressies this year were new-style Kongs. Our two have never really taken to the traditional bell-shaped Kongs – once the food has gone from them, they show no interest in using the Kongs as chew toys in their own right. On a recent trip to Pets & Home Susan spotted two new models: an urn and a bulbous cylinder, each soft and squishy with multiple food exit points. Pure chance gave Biggles the purple urn, while Beanie got the cylinder. Needless to say Santa had seen fit to fill both of these toys with tasties before they were wrapped.

Biggles immediately got to grips with his toy and was duly rewarded for his efforts, but Beanie had a more difficult time. She tried rolling the cylinder, throwing it, forcing her tongue through the openings – just about everything except the one thing that would have worked: a few seconds of power chewing in her jaws. In the end we came to the rescue by standing on the cylinder a few times. Once the biccies and kibble had been pulverised by our weight, the tasty debris came out much more easily.

When the Kongs had been emptied, Susan handed out the other pressies – a couple of large “Cerea” dog chews. Beanie expertly unwrapped hers before taking her first bite, but Biggles missed this crucial first step and went direct to the chomping stage.

Did his little Christmas wrapping faux-pas weigh heavily on Biggles’ mind?

You mean I should have unwrapped it first?

Doh!

Still, it’ll all come out the same end in due course. I’m OK with it!

And clearly Beanie was OK with it too!

By the time the snacks were finished, an impressive amount of debris had built up on the floor of our “posh” lounge.

I generously offered to take the pups out for their first Christmas walk, leaving Susan to clear up the mess, though as it turned out Susan may have got the better deal. I drove to Troon, and the weather there was strongly reminiscent of the storm we’d had a couple of weeks ago.

Still, a windy, wet day is a fun day for Beagles, and Beanie & Biggles certainly had fun! Every 50 yards we covered was celebrated by a wrestling match, and when we got to a nice safe spot by the beach I let them have a short but extremely energetic off-lead romp. By the time we got back they were both knackered, but still found the energy to enjoy their special Christmas dinner.

Yep, even Biggles got sprouts. We’re still living with the consequences, but at least we bought some powerful new air fresheners prior to Christmas.

After the big nosh we all crashed out on the sofas for a coma. I vaguely remember seeing the initial episode of the four-part remake of The Great Escape, and when I was next conscious, we were half way through part four. Although I’d missed most of this less than riveting Christmas Day TV offering there was plenty more to come, and that of course is where the booze comes in handy. Biggles apparently felt the same way.

Do Beagles get hangovers?

Later on that evening, a couple of furry imps quietly padded down the corridor and wrenched open their toy cupboard, despite it being secured with a thick strip of industrial strength velcro. They had access to all their toys, but they still chose to grab their new Kongs, so I think we can call them a big success, and the same goes for Christmas Day as a whole!

Beanie  seemed particularly keen to help unpack the tree, while Biggles wanted to be in charge of the baubles. Strangely their offers of help were rebuffed, so instead they switched to singing ear-splitting Beagle Christmas carols.

I don’t know which song this is, but it certainly isn’t “Silent Night”

At one point someone – I’m not sure who – got hold of a miniature teddy bear decoration and almost dismembered it. The teddy is still suffering from post traumatic stress, but the decorating is done and neither Beanie nor Biggles managed to electrocute themselves which is always a plus.

We’ve done all our Christmas shopping now but we’re still waiting for some items we’ve ordered to arrive. Fortunately Biggles is very good at alerting us when a delivery is about to occur, and afterwards Beanie quickly dispatches the packaging, sometimes while the precious item is still inside..

Oh yeah, that’s much neater now. Thanks Beanie!

As the space under the tree gradually fills up our two favorite Beagle noses are convinced that at least some of the packages are for them, but they’ll have to wait a little longer before they find out for sure..

As I arrived at Irvine Harbor the gale seemed pretty tame, until I tried to get out of the car that is. I almost had to use my legs against the door to push it open against the wind, and once I’d fully extracted myself, forward progress was very slow. I watched as a series of people parked up alongside me and took the slow, deliberate 45 degree walk towards the sea. They’d each get out to the furthest point along the harbor wall and use their mobile phones to take a picture, only to return with a chunk of dead technology in their hands as the rain and sea spray did their worst.

A few seagulls seemed equally determined to brave the elements. The ones that tried to fly into the wind soon tired, lost ground and when they turned back towards the land they returned with the speed of jets! As I looked around it became clear that the storm had been even stronger earlier in the day, as the grassy bank above the harbor wall was littered with debris from the sea.

As I left the tide was on its way out and the harbor was enjoying a brief respite from the wind and rain.

Back at home, it was immediately obvious that we had two very bored Beagles. The mail had been shredded, there was a strong smell of fart and feet in the air, and there was much tugging of tails and biting of ears going on.

Since our normal running club session had been cancelled that evening I decided that the best solution all round was to harness up Beanie & Biggles and take them out for a short run. The gale had now subsided to the point where there was no longer any danger, but it was still very windy, cold and wet. I hated it; within the first five minutes I’d lost all feeling from the skin on my legs, face and hands, but the dynamic duo loved it. I don’t know why, but both of them always get really excited when they’re out on windy days, and as I kept my head down to shield my eyes from the lashing rain they merrily led me through all the puddles and piles of horse dung they could find. The run did the trick though – burning off all their excess energy – and while they settled down on the sofa for the evening, I lapsed into a coma in a hot bath.

As the day of departure approached they started to think about it some more and became more than a little nervous. They’d heard it’s very dark in space and weren’t sure they’d like that very much. So, we decided to switch off the lights and give them a little taste of how it might feel.

Biggles on the other hand likes nothing more than a good going over with the hoover!

He follows me around the house standing patiently on the spot that I’m trying to vacuum until I relent.

Recently Beanie’s getting a bit bolder. She won’t let me get near her with the vacuum cleaner but curiosity is getting the better of her. If Biggles isn’t frightened of it then how bad can it be?

Left a bit mum

I’d taken the pups for a wander around Dundonald castle. It was an uncharacteristically beautiful day – not exactly warm, but sunny with clear skies, and as we approached an old ruin near the castle I couldn’t resist the temptation to get a couple of shots of it…

Beanie and Biggles were on their extenders and I kept them close to me, but being Beagles they couldn’t help investigating the foliage around them. There must been something unpleasant growing there because as we resumed our walk I noticed Beanie fussing over one of her paws.

A beautiful day, but all’s not well in the land of paws…

Now it’s worth pointing out that Beanie is a complete wimp when it comes to her tootsies. If anything gets between her toes or attached to her pads she stops dead, lifts her foot and waits for one of us to make it better. Needless to say I indulged her latest request for a roadside service and finding nothing obviously wrong, we continued on – although it was clear that something was still bothering her. Fortunately we went through some mud a couple of minutes later and after that, all was well.. or so it seemed.

With all tootsies back in a roadworthy state..

..the adventure continues!

We had a great time; the trails looked gorgeous in the autumn sun, and there was plenty of sniffage for even the most discerning noses. On the return journey Biggles had his head down all the way back to the car and kept making noises like a geiger counter with a head cold! Both our pups fell asleep on the short drive home, but once I got them back in the house, Beanie rapidly became agitated. She started licking all her feet, then rubbing herself against anything with a scratchy surface, and finally took to running round the house like  a puppy having a “mad hour”. I let her into the garden and she sprinted round and round at break-neck speed before stopping by the fence for a prolonged scratch. There were still no visible changes in her paws or skin, but still she seemed top be having some kind of allergic reaction. I’ve got a couple of bad allergies myself, so I had a lot empathy for her, and I broke open a pack of Piriton that I keep especially for situations like this. Straight Piriton – not the “non-drowsy” offshoots like Piriteze – can be given to dogs to help calm allergic reactions. I gave her a couple of tablets (the dosage is higher for dogs), Susan gave her a gentle oatmeal paw-bath, and then we sat tight until the pills took effect.

Just as Beanie was calming down, Biggles showed signs that was having a reaction too. Like Beanie he began by licking his paws and rubbing himelf against things, and when that didn’t do the trick he woofed angrily at his paws. That’s a typically Biggles solution; when faced with a problem, if you can’t chew it or pee on it, woof at it indignantly until it goes away. Well this was going to take a lot of woofing to get rid of, so I served up two Piriton tablets for my boy, and in due course he too calmed down enough to have a nap.

All things considered that was certainly not one of our best outings, but we had a great one tonight. My head was swimming from battling my way through Microsoft documentation and I figured that a run on the beach would be the best cure. Since it was 6pm it was already pitch black outside, but I grabbed a head torch, loaded Beanie & Biggles into the car and we went for nighttime jog by the sea. For safety’s sake I’d put a couple of cheap eBay flashing tags on their collars and as we ran the tailed members of our group got very excited and took to wrestling, chasing and shoulder-barging each other. It must have looked like some weird night-club act, with two furry neon-clad dancers cavorting in the spotlight cast by my head torch. Fortunately there was no-one else on the beach to see it, save a for a lone Golden Retriever, and he promised to keep quiet about it!

Obviously Beanie & Biggles wouldn’t be allowed to come watch the hunt with me; together they can easily make as much noise as The Who in their heyday (back when Pete Townsend wasn’t half deaf) and this would no doubt demoralize the quieter and better behaved working Beagles. Still, when they returned from this morning’s walk our pups took a moment to ponder the logistics of running a full pack, and it caused a fair amount of head-scratching.

For starters, consider that a working pack can contain upwards of thirty Beagles. Thirty! Now consider that after a rainy morning walk, all of those Beagles have to be toweled off , wrapped up in their favorite blanky and set down on their own sofa in the living room. That could take quite some time if done properly. I bet some of those poor Beagles would have to wait to be taken care of, and Beanie & Biggles don’t “do” waiting!

Then there’s the issue of space; just how large would the living room have to be to accommodate thirty or more sofas? And let’s say that later in the day when things brighten up, a little sunny spot shows up in the corner of the room. There’s no way all those pack Beagles can share the sunny spot, so what do they do? Ration the indoor sunbathing time? Use some kind of a rota?

And in the kitchen, is the table big enough to allow all the Beagles to camp out on it as they watch for accidental spills and drops when humie food is being prepared?

Do they have one really, really huge bed for all the Beagles, or is there a two-to-a-bed policy, requiring the house to have fifteen or more bedrooms, each furnished with a double bed and a full sock draw (the latter for entertainment purposes of course)?

And what about tummy tickles? Does each pack Beagle have his/her own dedicated tummy tickler, or do they have to share, and if so, presumably there are standards to ensure that no Beagle has to wait more than a minute for the tickle to start?

Susan spent some time Googling on the computer in an attempt to answer these questions, and Beanie & Biggles didn’t like what she found one little bit!

Whaddya mean they all live in a crummy barn with no sofas, no access to a proper bed and no tummy tickles at all??!!! Sod that I’m off back to bed!!

Mr Pumpkin Head

Listening to ghost stories

A giant pink pig! It doesn’t get much scarier than that!

Trick or treat!