If Scottish Water had Beagles working for them instead of humans, their recent overhaul of our local pipework would have taken hours instead of weeks. There’d have been no need for machinery, generators or traffic cones. The workers would have simply turned up in their tricolored hi-vis jackets, stuck their bums in the air and got their forelimbs straight to work. There might have been the occasional break to pick up fallen chips and food wrappers from the pavement, or woof at a passing postman, but generally progress would have been very rapid. It certainly was when Beanie followed the trail of some unknown nighttime invader to the rear fence of our garden, rolled up her sleeves and started her latest digging project. I caught her just as she was trying to squeeze her head and shoulders through the gap she’d created, and even though I toweled her off she still brought an impressive amount of mud into the house on her paws.

In the past I’d have responded to this apparent escape attempt by turning the rear fence into a DIY version of the Berlin Wall, but this time I just packed the mud and earth back into the hole and bided my time. Sure enough, two days on Beanie seems to have forgotten about her digging project. Presumably the critter that inspired it has now found a different garden to invade, but there’d have been no digging at all if Beanie & Biggles had caught the little bugger when it first trespassed. With that in mind we’ve been training up their hunting skills, and not knowing the species of critter we’re up against, we’ve tried to cover all the bases.

We started with squirrels.

Squirrels are supposed to be the supreme athletes of the rodent world, but Beanie found this one to be easy prey. It was slow moving, unable to climb, and contained two squeakers; one in the head, and one in the tail, though the tail one didn’t work terribly well, especially after the following incident:

We also tried raccoons. These aren’t common in Scotland but occasionally they have been known to escape from a shop in Irvine called “Homebase”. Homebase doesn’t allow Beagles on their premises. If they did, I’m 100% certain they wouldn’t have a raccoon problem.

Got it!

Killed it! What’s next?

We finished up with the toughest challenge of the day; the orange mini space-hopper. These are wily customers. They bounce in unexpected directions, easily escape from one’s mouth when wet, and keep on squeaking no matter how many times you bite ‘em.

Though Beanie caught the space-hopper many times she never managed to kill it, and both she and Biggles had to retire from their training session knowing that there was still one species out there that could defeat them. Their failure clearly weighed heavily on their minds.

Well, it weighed heavily on Beanie’s mind anyway.

I think I’m finally starting to understand what it is to have the appetite of a Beagle.

I’ve been training hard and sticking to the diet we started at the New Year, and mostly feeling pretty good on it. Yesterday however I did a pretty hard “legs” session at the gym and today hunger has dominated my thoughts. On tonight’s dog walk – just before tea – Beanie & Biggles found a trail of crisps and assorted snack wrappers and it sent them straight into “spider-beagle” mode. For those who aren’t familiar with that term, it’s my attempt to describe the spread-eagle stance our Beagles adopt when they’ve found something they think is edible and they want to resist the tug of the lead for as long as possible. When they get like this, the walk descends into a dragathon; first I’m trying to pull them away from one site of interest, and just as I succeed, they sniff another site up ahead and suddenly they’re dragging me towards it. Anyway, the thing is, tonight I was almost as interested in their finds as they were. Every “Flake” or “Cadbury’s Caramel” wrapper they located sent me off into a brief food-related fantasy. I didn’t salivate at the sight of dog poo like they did, but when we got back home I demanded my tea double-quick, just like Beanie.

The two Bs have been mostly sticking to their New Year resolutions too, though for Biggles the strain of not opening the toy cupboard (much) has pushed him back into his old sock addicted ways..

I can confirm that socks were harmed during the making of these photos, but it was a worthwhile sacrifice!

We didn’t quite manage to resist opening our presents before Christmas; temptation won us over at around 11pm on Christmas Eve, but Beanie & Biggles lasted out until the following morning. We might have lasted out too if we’d been locked into crates with a mountain of partially chewed duvets and pillows piled up on top of us, but that’s just the luck of the draw. When Christmas morning finally came I opened their crates and in a further demonstration of five-star self control, our pups delayed their present opening by burrowing into our beds for a further nap. In fact they’d taken on board the warnings in “Santa Claus Is Coming To Town” to such an extent that Susan literally had to haul them out of bed (then haul them out of the kitchen and away from the smell of cooking turkey) before they finally got their paws on their pressies. Once they got started though, the present opening was conducted at a frenzied pace.

Just like non-furry children, Beanie & Biggles enjoyed the boxes their pressies came in almost as much as the pressies themselves, especially as those boxes were filled with extra surprises like doggy chocolate buttons and biccies.

Biggles is so intent on checking out the box that he misses the chocolate button – but only for a second!

Beanie’s taking no chances on missing anything, and decides to eat the box as well as everything inside it

Their main pressies this year were new-style Kongs. Our two have never really taken to the traditional bell-shaped Kongs – once the food has gone from them, they show no interest in using the Kongs as chew toys in their own right. On a recent trip to Pets & Home Susan spotted two new models: an urn and a bulbous cylinder, each soft and squishy with multiple food exit points. Pure chance gave Biggles the purple urn, while Beanie got the cylinder. Needless to say Santa had seen fit to fill both of these toys with tasties before they were wrapped.

Biggles immediately got to grips with his toy and was duly rewarded for his efforts, but Beanie had a more difficult time. She tried rolling the cylinder, throwing it, forcing her tongue through the openings – just about everything except the one thing that would have worked: a few seconds of power chewing in her jaws. In the end we came to the rescue by standing on the cylinder a few times. Once the biccies and kibble had been pulverised by our weight, the tasty debris came out much more easily.

When the Kongs had been emptied, Susan handed out the other pressies – a couple of large “Cerea” dog chews. Beanie expertly unwrapped hers before taking her first bite, but Biggles missed this crucial first step and went direct to the chomping stage.

Did his little Christmas wrapping faux-pas weigh heavily on Biggles’ mind?

You mean I should have unwrapped it first?

Doh!

Still, it’ll all come out the same end in due course. I’m OK with it!

And clearly Beanie was OK with it too!

By the time the snacks were finished, an impressive amount of debris had built up on the floor of our “posh” lounge.

I generously offered to take the pups out for their first Christmas walk, leaving Susan to clear up the mess, though as it turned out Susan may have got the better deal. I drove to Troon, and the weather there was strongly reminiscent of the storm we’d had a couple of weeks ago.

Still, a windy, wet day is a fun day for Beagles, and Beanie & Biggles certainly had fun! Every 50 yards we covered was celebrated by a wrestling match, and when we got to a nice safe spot by the beach I let them have a short but extremely energetic off-lead romp. By the time we got back they were both knackered, but still found the energy to enjoy their special Christmas dinner.

Yep, even Biggles got sprouts. We’re still living with the consequences, but at least we bought some powerful new air fresheners prior to Christmas.

After the big nosh we all crashed out on the sofas for a coma. I vaguely remember seeing the initial episode of the four-part remake of The Great Escape, and when I was next conscious, we were half way through part four. Although I’d missed most of this less than riveting Christmas Day TV offering there was plenty more to come, and that of course is where the booze comes in handy. Biggles apparently felt the same way.

Do Beagles get hangovers?

Later on that evening, a couple of furry imps quietly padded down the corridor and wrenched open their toy cupboard, despite it being secured with a thick strip of industrial strength velcro. They had access to all their toys, but they still chose to grab their new Kongs, so I think we can call them a big success, and the same goes for Christmas Day as a whole!