The day it didn’t rain (much)

Posted on February 10, 2014 by Paul

Looking at the news it seems like pretty much the lower third of Britain is under water right now. Here in Ayrshire we haven’t had any flooding, but we have had a long run of horrible, wet and stormy weather. Oddly enough when the weather’s really grotty I much prefer running with the pups on the beach to walking with them; I suppose getting drenched by rain is not an issue when you’ve already accepted that you’re going to be soaking in your own sweat. Nevertheless, we’ve had some runs recently that pushed my resilience to the limit; on Thursday I had to pitch forward at 45 degrees just to get purchase against the wind, and Beanie & Biggles kept looking round to see what was tugging on their lines! Today however there was a break in the weather. I can’t say that it didn’t rain, but at least it didn’t rain much, and we used this brief respite to inspect the beach at a more leisurely pace.

Well, it started out leisurely.. but then Beanie caught sight of a group of birds further up the beach, and suddenly everything shifted into top gear.

Biggles glances back over his shoulder as if to say “see you later Dad, we’re off!”

Needless to say the raid on the birds did not result in any captures, and in due course the dynamic duo turned and sprinted back to us for the one kind poultry they could catch: cooked chicken.

We’re back! Get the chicken out!

Once they’d refueled sufficiently they were off again!

We had several more hunt / RTC (Return To Chicken) cycles during the walk; each time the hunting portion grew longer and bolder, and each time the retrieval of the chicken grew more difficult for her Beanieship. The problem she encountered, in a word, was Biggles. He likes chicken as much as the next Beagle, but he likes to tease his sister even more. Whenever she turned to sprint back for a refueling, Biggles playfully tried to block & barge her.

Given that Biggles has already had his bum bitten by his sister on several occasions, you might think that getting between her and a lump of chicken would be.. unwise. Happily for him, Beanie saw the lighter side and rose to his challenge. Using her superior agility she was able to confuse, misdirect & wrong-foot him, always arriving first at the food station otherwise known as Susan.

It was a shame to finally put them back on lead and head home, but I guess you’ve always got to leave some adventures for another day.

Asteroids and Biggles’ Self-Cleaning Bottom

Posted on January 25, 2014 by Paul

Beanie & Biggles have just signed up for their second space adventure! Their first was to Mars; NASA rover “Curiosity” is still carrying our two intrepid Beagles’ names in its belly as it goes walkies on the red planet. This time around though the destination isn’t another world but a potentially Earth-impacting asteroid called “Bennu”. The OSIRIS-REx spacecraft is going to travel to it, hang out on it for 500 days or so, then send a poobag full of scoopings back to Earth sometime in 2023. Just like Curiosity the craft will carry the names of anyone and everyone who declares an interest in the project, even if they have waggy tails and big floppy ears. If you want to sign up either for yourself or for your dogglets, here’s the page to visit:

http://www.planetary.org/get-involved/messages/bennu/

Participation is free and you’ll get a downloadable certificate that looks something like these two:

Not many people know this, but in addition to his keen interest in space, Biggles is always looking for ways to improve daily life for his long-suffering humies. He’s modified countless socks to increase ventilation and keep our feet from overheating on long walks, he’s nibbled the tops of my wellies so that I can easily tell them apart from Susan’s, and he’s always collecting dirty cups, knives, forks and spoons and taking them down into his corridor ready for transportation to the kitchen. His latest idea puts all that in the shade however, because he’s found a way to make all Beagle bottoms self cleaning. Like all great ideas it’s simple and uses materials that are readily available in most households:

Step 1: Obtain a towel. These can usually be sourced from washrooms, unattended sports bags, or the “to be washed” pile in the utility room (assuming you can sneak in there without being noticed, and let’s face it, any dog who can’t do this doesn’t deserve to be called a Beagle)
Step 2: Cut out a portion of the towel using your chewing gear. You can go with pretty much any shape you want, though Biggles himself prefers ellipses. Just make sure you get around 5-6 square inches of material.
Step 3: Swallow the portion of towel you’ve cut out.

In true Blue Peter tradition, here’s one that Biggles prepared earlier.
Along with a stray cup and fork of course..

That’s literally all there is to it. Once that towel portion makes it way through and out the other end, you’ll have a sparkly clean bum-hole without any further effort. Yeah, I know what you’re saying to yourself: “That’s so simple it’s genius! Why hasn’t anyone thought of it before!!??” Well, that’s the kind of innovative, labor-saving idea that Biggles comes up with any time we don’t keep a good eye on him.

No More Woof!

Posted on January 11, 2014 by Paul

The “Nordic Society for Invention and Discovery” has developed a device that reads the brain activity of doggies and translates recognized patterns into human speech. They’ve called this device “No More Woof”. Apparently it’ll come with a selection of different dog characters – each with their own voice and phrasing style – so you can pick one that more closely matches your own dog. However, looking at the characters currently on the No More Woof website I see a bulldog, a terrier, various toy dog breeds, a poodle, a whippet and so on, but not a single Beagle. I wonder why this could be?

Is the NSID anti-Beagle?
Is it because Beagle brainwaves are too hard to read?
Is it because Beagles spend so much of their time contemplating high level concepts that such a puny device couldn’t possibly translate? (Unlikely, if you ask me)
Could it be that endless repetition of certain stock phrases could make the device particularly tiresome to Beagle owners. For example, how many times a day do you think you’d end up hearing the following:

I want your food!!

I’ve just farted and I don’t care!

One other possible reason for the lack of a Beagle character could simply be that Beagles are the potty-mouths of the dog world. I’m in no doubt that Beanie & Biggles use way more foul-mouthed expletives on a daily basis than even I do. Whatever Beanie keeps saying to the overweight Collie at the local farm, I’m sure it isn’t printable. And the other day when Biggles tried to slurp out of Susan’s coffee mug but found that it was too hot and growled at it.. well that growl wasn’t saying “fiddlesticks” I can tell you. And don’t get me started on what he says about the neighbors and the postman. Yep, I reckon if there’s ever a “No More Woof” product for Beagles it’ll come with a PG rating, an advisory note about foul language, and the voice of Gordon Ramsay.