The four of us, and particularly Biggles, just had a rather shocking experience. For the sake of public decency there aren’t any photos of the actual event, but please note this post contains content of an adult nature and depictions of profound psychological trauma.
Biggles just had a monstrous erection. You know the tedious bits in the Bible where there’s a whole lot of begatting? Well by the look of his equipment Biggles could have done it all himself and still been finished in time for supper. Here’s the whole 18-rated story.
The morning started with a great park session. The last couple of days we’ve been walking them separately because when they’re together, they run off on a great adventure that gives us the willies really stresses us out. It works like this: I give Beanie some offlead running for a bit while Susan gives Biggles an on-lead walkabout, then we swap. Anyway, this morning Beanie had some good chases with Rannoch and Sophie, and in his offlead session Biggles actually took the lead in a brilliant chase with Penny, Rannoch, Sophie and others. The two of them had a great time, didn’t run off, and came back ready for a good nap in their crates. Perfect.
Around lunchtime I could see them stirring, so I let them out, took them downstairs for a loo break, then put them in their “run” outside our office. As I sat at my PC typing away, I could hear a bit of argy-bargy going on. This is normal, and in many ways welcome because in our house silence may be golden, but it’s nearly always naughty too. Well, about fifteen minutes later things went quiet, and out of the corner of my eye I could see Biggles standing motionless on the other side of the baby gate. I got up to check things out.
Biggles was not a happy chappy. He looked kind of hunched, his tail was down, and he had a bewildered expression on his face. Beanie was in her basket, watching him intently, apparently concerned. Had he injured himself during play somehow? I studied him for a few seconds, and then my eyes locked on something that didn’t belong in this picture. In fact the only place it would belong is in a really explicit porn movie. I didn’t actually measure it, but we’re talking easily four inches of angry red sausage. It didn’t look right to me. I’ve seen dogs having a horny moment before, but this.. this was unnatural. I called Susan over for a look but she wasn’t keen on getting anywhere near it. “He’s a boy, you’re boy, it’s your job.”
I watched quietly for a moment to see if London Bridge was about to fall down, but it seemed quite intent on holding it’s current position. Given all the health scares we’ve had with Beanie, there was one obvious course of action. Susan picked up the phone and called the 24hr helpline that comes with Biggles’ insurance. The conversation that followed was… difficult, for want of a better word. But the veterinary nurse on the other end of the line assured us that it was normal, although given his age, Biggles was probably quite a highly sexed little boy. By the time the call was over, Biggles’ monstrous member had retracted and the panic was over. Shortly afterwards he fell into a deep sleep in his basket, adopting his usual position:
One mystery remains of course: what caused Biggles to have this Mother of All Erections in the first place? Well I can only guess it was Beanie. You see for some time their play has involved Biggles humping Beanie’s head while she twangs his joy department. It’s a painful thing to watch, but not half as painful as seeing that monstrosity this afternoon. I think the four of us are going to need therapy to recover from this one.