I studied Latin at school and as part of that I had the dubious pleasure of reading The Aeneid. It tells the story of Aeneas, an impeccably brave, heroic warrior in Troy, who, at the height of the action involving the Trojan Horse, sort of er.. ran away. He didn’t want to run away you understand, in fact there’s nothing he’d have liked more than to die screaming in a pool of his own blood and intestines after a short and disastrous tussle with Achilles, who was pretty much the ancient world’s version of Arnold Swarzenneger in the Commando movie.

Anyway, the whole getting horribly killed thing had to be put on hold because Aeneas had a greater responsibility to the future; specifically, a ghostly vision reliably informed him that he had to leg it out of Troy, stay alive and pave the way for the creation of Rome. Any time he had any thoughts of getting his intestines out and painting the floor red, another vision would conveniently remind him to keep on running.

As I see it, Aeneas was basically Monkey.

Like Aeneas, Monkey is by nature incredibly brave and heroic but his duty to the future demands that he temper his natural inclinations. For Aeneas, Rome was at stake; for Monkey, well it’s basically all about his balls. For the sake of all Beagle kind he must protect them, whatever the cost. When he’s out on a walk passing by a farm and an aggressive duck waddles across his path, he can’t recklessly wade in and protect his fellow pack members. No, the prudent and necessary thing to do – no matter much it goes against the grain – is to shelter behind his dad’s legs and protect those precious baubles. If the duck wants a fight, it can fight Biggles (he doesn’t have any baubles anyway).

I presume Monkey was also protecting his baubles the other night when Biggles grumped at him, and in an act of prudent bravery, he scarpered across the room with his tail tucked and leaped onto  the buffet. Apparently one sure way to protect one’s  unmentionables is to seek higher ground.

So, next time you think life your life is hard, just be grateful you don’t have to protect Monkey’s balls. Or found Rome.

Yep, it’s not easy being a hero.