When we first moved to Ayrshire our back garden was invaded by a large yellow digging thing. Biggles was able to see off this trespasser using a combination of well-aimed pee and irate woofing. Now however we have a new interloping digger; much smaller than the yellow thing and it would seem possessing determination and obstinacy worthy of a Beagle. Houston, we have a mole.

I have no idea why the little critter chose to set up home in our garden. For one thing it backs on to a stream that typically floods two or three times a year, and for another, the garden is regularly patrolled by two vicious hunting Beagles who have between them caught and killed hundreds, maybe thousands of wild socks, margarine cartons, bank statements and green monkeys. Either this mole is stupid or it’s an extreme bad-ass of the burrowing world.

As you can see, Green Monkey needs some stitches in his bum following Beanie’s most recent hunting session. That could be you, Mr Mole!

My first attempts to shift the mole involved digging up some of its runs and flooding them using our ridiculously long and unwieldy garden hose. Beanie & Biggles were both keen to help me with the digging part – in fact Beanie in particular did a much better job of uncovering the tunnels than I did – but both of them legged it when the hose came out.

Still, after letting water flood through the entire area for a couple of hours I felt sure I’d done enough to rout the little bugger without actually harming him. The next morning my mole-free fantasy was shattered by the discovery of several new molehills.

The new “hills” were much larger than the old ones. It was as if Mr Mole was making a statement. After a bit of Googling I decided to repeat the hose tsunami and augment it by burying Beanie & Biggles’ poos in the runs for good measure (supposedly moles don’t like dog poo).  The result? Even more, larger molehills.

After Googling further, I am now of the opinion that the only way to get rid of our garden squatter is to use a trap, but Susan’s not at all keen and to be honest, neither am I. For the hell of it I’ve ordered some relatively cheap pet-safe repellent that may just do the job (in the Amazon reviews it’s 50-50), and I’ve told Beanie & Biggles to be on maximum alertness. Biggles has taken this to heart and has even requested a couple of garden visits in the dead of night. I doubt that he caught anything on those super-early morning patrols, but if he did, he’s keeping it to himself.

When conditions are right for deployment of the repellent I’ll give it a go. Until then, Beanie & Biggles remain at DefCon 1. Except for when they’re doing other even more important tasks.