Despite the title this post doesn’t feature any heart-rending pictures of birds coated in crude oil. That’s because the oil that invaded our local beach was palm oil, and it only became “slick” when it came out of Beanie & Biggles. I can however offer some pictures of two very tired and disgruntled little Beagles after their emergency visit to the vet..

The palm oil that washed up on our beach took the form of small boulders (about two feet long by one foot wide). Covered in sand, there was nothing to set them apart from the other rocks and debris that often line the beach – nothing but the smell, that is. They had a stench that’s been described by others as a cross between diesel and firelighters. Personally I’d say the smell also had a hint of tar and ancient cooking fat about it, but regardless, it smelled blummin’ lovely to a certain pair of Beagles.

We were on one of our regular beach runs, and we’d just reached what appeared to be the ideal location for a short offlead romp. As I unhooked their lines, I fully expected Beanie to take off after the birds hanging out by the water’s edge, and Biggles to go after her baying at full volume. Instead, first Beanie, then her brother, made an abrupt 90 degree turn and sprinted off further inland. Beanie was the first to come to a stop and seemed very interested in something. I figured it was most likely poo from a horse or a dog, or possibly another dead bird carcass, because we’d seen a few of them on the beach recently. I watched her for a few seconds to see if she was going to lose interest and come sprinting back to me for a lump of chicken, but no, she stayed put and soon Biggles joined her. Alarm bells started ringing; anytime one of our Beagles wants something more than chicken, it can’t be a good thing. I ran over and found each of them nibbling away at several sand-covered boulders. There were white patches where they’d been nibbling, and whatever it was I didn’t want them nibbling any more of it, but getting them back on lead was not easy because they really wanted that white stuff. After several tries I secured both of them, and grabbed a sample of the white stuff in a poo bag. It felt like soft soap as I scooped it up, but it didn’t smell like soap.

There followed a fast run back to the car, a hurried drive back home, and then once Susan had smelled the sample, an even more hurried drive to the vet. It turned out that vets along the coast had seen this stuff before, and the recommended course of action was induced vomiting which is simultaneously Beanie & Biggles’ most favorite and least favorite veterinary treatment. You see Beanie kind of likes the injection (bizarre I know, but that’s Beanie for you) but they both really like the gratuitous feeding that follows it. In this case all the vet had to hand was a pouch of Whiskas. Yes, our Beagles gorged themselves on cat food (oh the shame) and loved it. They were on a high; this cat food stuff was really tasty, even tastier than the rancid white stuff they’d had earlier.  And yet, as so often happens at the vet, what went down quickly soon came up even more quickly. I won’t go into the gory details, but the cleanup needed two kitchen rolls and a quarter of a bottle of disinfectant spray. At times it was difficult to know where to put your feet to avoid stepping on that which had already come up, yet not get hit by that which was yet to come. And oh god the stench..

Happily we’d acted quickly enough to get all or most of the palm oil out of them before it could cause a blockage or severe dehydration. Let enough of this stuff stay in your dog for too long, and apparently it can kill: http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-cornwall-26172678. Even more happily, the vet confirmed that Beanie & Biggles now jointly hold the practice record for most induced vomiting treatments!

It’s now several days after all the drama, and Beanie & Biggles are both back to full health. Beanie came in from the garden this morning covered in mud after embarking on yet another dig-to-Australia project, and Biggles has torn up both of the free rolls of recycling bags gifted to us by the council a few days ago. As for the palm oil, well I complained to both the council and SEPA about it, and apparently it has now been cleaned up, but I think I’ll give the beach a wide berth for a while longer…

I am NEVER going to eat Whiskas again. Probably.

Beanie & Biggles have just signed up for their second space adventure! Their first was to Mars; NASA rover “Curiosity” is still carrying our two intrepid Beagles’ names in its belly as it goes walkies on the red planet. This time around though the destination isn’t another world but a potentially Earth-impacting asteroid called “Bennu”. The OSIRIS-REx spacecraft is going to travel to it, hang out on it for 500 days or so, then send a poobag full of scoopings back to Earth sometime in 2023. Just like Curiosity the craft will carry the names of anyone and everyone who declares an interest in the project, even if they have waggy tails and big floppy ears. If you want to sign up either for yourself or for your dogglets, here’s the page to visit:

http://www.planetary.org/get-involved/messages/bennu/

Participation is free and you’ll get a downloadable certificate that looks something like these two:

Not many people know this, but in addition to his keen interest in space, Biggles is always looking for ways to improve daily life for his long-suffering humies. He’s modified countless socks to increase ventilation and keep our feet from overheating on long walks, he’s nibbled the tops of my wellies so that I can easily tell them apart from Susan’s, and he’s always collecting dirty cups, knives, forks and spoons and taking them down into his corridor ready for transportation to the kitchen. His latest idea puts all that in the shade however, because he’s found a way to make all Beagle bottoms self cleaning. Like all great ideas it’s simple and uses materials that are readily available in most households:

• Step 1: Obtain a towel. These can usually be sourced from washrooms, unattended sports bags, or the “to be washed” pile in the utility room (assuming you can sneak in there without being noticed, and let’s face it, any dog who can’t do this doesn’t deserve to be called a Beagle)
• Step 2: Cut out a portion of the towel using your chewing gear. You can go with pretty much any shape you want, though Biggles himself prefers ellipses. Just make sure you get around 5-6 square inches of material.
• Step 3: Swallow the portion of towel you’ve cut out.

In true Blue Peter tradition, here’s one that Biggles prepared earlier.
Along with a stray cup and fork of course..

That’s literally all there is to it. Once that towel portion makes it way through and out the other end, you’ll have a sparkly clean bum-hole without any further effort. Yeah, I know what you’re saying to yourself: “That’s so simple it’s genius! Why hasn’t anyone thought of it before!!??” Well, that’s the kind of innovative, labor-saving idea that Biggles comes up with any time we don’t keep a good eye on him.

The “Nordic Society for Invention and Discovery” has developed a device that reads the brain activity of doggies and translates recognized patterns into human speech. They’ve called this device “No More Woof”. Apparently it’ll come with a selection of different dog characters – each with their own voice and phrasing style – so you can pick one that more closely matches your own dog. However, looking at the characters currently on the No More Woof website I see a bulldog, a terrier, various toy dog breeds, a poodle, a whippet and so on, but not a single Beagle. I wonder why this could be?

• Is the NSID anti-Beagle?
• Is it because Beagle brainwaves are too hard to read?
• Is it because Beagles spend so much of their time contemplating high level concepts that such a puny device couldn’t possibly translate? (Unlikely, if you ask me)
• Could it be that endless repetition of certain stock phrases could make the device particularly tiresome to Beagle owners. For example, how many times a day do you think you’d end up hearing the following:

I want your food!!

I’ve just farted and I don’t care!

One other possible reason for the lack of a Beagle character could simply be that Beagles are the potty-mouths of the dog world. I’m in no doubt that Beanie & Biggles use way more foul-mouthed expletives on a daily basis than even I do. Whatever Beanie keeps saying to the overweight Collie at the local farm, I’m sure it isn’t printable. And the other day when Biggles tried to slurp out of Susan’s coffee mug but found that it was too hot and growled at it.. well that growl wasn’t saying “fiddlesticks” I can tell you. And don’t get me started on what he says about the neighbors and the postman. Yep, I reckon if there’s ever a “No More Woof” product for Beagles it’ll come with a PG rating, an advisory note about foul language, and the voice of Gordon Ramsay.