Christmas is almost here and its injury time again, but thankfully this time it’s us humies that are the “walking wounded” and not our Beagles. My injuries are pretty minor and easy to self-treat: golfer’s elbow and rotator cuff issues. Susan on the other hand is living the nightmare that is sciatica. It’s been troubling her at a background level for some time, but about a week ago it hit full force and the pain she’s had to endure has been frightening. Our doctors have done what doctors do best: handed out pills. Lots of ’em. When we went to the chemist to cash in Susan’s prescriptions I think we pretty much emptied their stock: Tramadol, Cocodamol, heavy duty anti-inflammatories, diazepam to ease muscle spams, and a neuropathic pain treatment that I can’t pronounce and therefore refer to as “armpit trampolene” (amitriptyline?). I tell you we’ve almost got enough to open up our own internet pharmacy. Just think, the next time you get one of those pharmacy spam emails offering drugs without prescription, delivered direct to your door in discrete packaging and all at a bargain basement price, it could be from us!

Ever sensitive to our troubles, The Beanster – our own little Florence Nightingbeagle – has been doing her best to nurse us through this crisis. Any time Susan has been trying to lie still while her pain meds kick in, Beanie has been ready to offer vigorous leg humping therapy. On occasions where Susan has had a glass of milk to line her stomach prior to taking her pills, our selfless little girl has tried to help her mum to drink the milk. And of course she’s always eager to help with the housework, especially things like cleaning the dishes.

Got some stubborn stains that the dishwasher can’t shift? Use a Beagle!

Biggles’ response to Susan’s predicament has been more conciliatory. He’s tried to keep his Mum warm and cosy by snuggling up to her, and has frequently offered his tummy for tickles; not for his own gratification you understand, but simply because he read somewhere that petting a dog can be very soothing.. for the human..

The Bigglet was also a genuine help to me when I was decorating our Christmas tree. That job usually falls to Susan because my approach to arranging the lights, tinsel and decorations is often too algorithmic, too balanced. This time around there was no option but for me to do it, but my waggy little assistant provided a necessary injection of chaos that resulted in what I think is a reasonably good tree. And amazingly he didn’t pull it over once!

Let me help with that Dad!

Christmas tree assistants always get treats. Them’s the rules!

Yep, job’s a good-‘un

Anyway, against all the odds we are finally just about ready for Christmas. I don’t need it to be white or merry; I’ll settle for uneventful & pain-free!

If only…

I read a comment on a forum somewhere to the effect that dogs have no sense of propriety when it comes to taking a dump outside. With our Beagles, that is most definitely NOT the case. They are acutely aware of when and where it would be most improper, inconvenient or embarrassing to do a “squatting hunchback” impersonation, and it is exactly in those situations that they insist on doing it.

Beanie is very much an in-your-face rebellious pooper. Quite often when we’re on our beach run I’ll take us out on the sand but return via the grassy dunes that border a golf course. We get very close to golfers in places, and it’s usually at these times that Beanie decides to do a very protracted and conspicuous poo. While she’s squatting we usually get some disdainful looks from the golfers (even though we’re on a public right-of-way) and all the while we’re there, there’s the possibility of one of us, probably me, getting hit by an errant ball. When she’s finished and I’m in the process of bagging her poo she insists on a particularly blatant scuffing of the grass with her rear legs, covering me in sand & grass and earning another look of displeasure from the golfers. Nice, thanks Beanie.

She can also be a bit of a pain when we’re rushing to take her on a car journey. She waits until we’re almost ready to go, then begs to be let out to the garden for an urgent appointment with the grass throne. At any other time such duties are concluded quickly and efficiently, but when we’re waiting for her, she takes.. ages.. Now I know you what you’re thinking: it’s just the old “watched kettle never boils” thing. It isn’t. She genuinely and I’m sure deliberately takes at least twice the normal length of time; and if she thinks she has an audience, she takes even longer. First there’s the painstakingly slow hunt for the right spot. I swear to you NASA takes less time over choosing a new astronaut than Beanie takes to choose her drop zone. Then she teases us by starting to squat but abruptly changing her mind to go off on some random sniffage. Even when she’s finally done the deed, she really takes her time about coming back in. We could of course hasten her return by offering a treat, but I suspect that could make things worse!

Beanie’s pooing habits might be annoying but at least they’re not particularly dangerous. Her brother Biggles on the other hand is a daredevil dumper, an adrenaline junkie who likes nothing more than dropping one while we’re crossing a busy road. More of than not he hunches and squats just as we reach the center line, and it’s “all eyes down for a full house”. Dragging him doesn’t help; he just digs in his feet and continues depositing. How exactly am I meant to scoop up his droppings into those notoriously fiddly little bags before the next car comes along and squishes us?!!

Yep, sometimes I really wish our two would learn to use a human toilet like the rest of us. I’d even let them run off with the loo roll afterwards, as a reward.