Asteroids and Biggles’ Self-Cleaning Bottom


Beanie & Biggles have just signed up for their second space adventure! Their first was to Mars; NASA rover “Curiosity” is still carrying our two intrepid Beagles’ names in its belly as it goes walkies on the red planet. This time around though the destination isn’t another world but a potentially Earth-impacting asteroid called “Bennu”. The OSIRIS-REx spacecraft is going to travel to it, hang out on it for 500 days or so, then send a poobag full of scoopings back to Earth sometime in 2023. Just like Curiosity the craft will carry the names of anyone and everyone who declares an interest in the project, even if they have waggy tails and big floppy ears. If you want to sign up either for yourself or for your dogglets, here’s the page to visit:

Participation is free and you’ll get a downloadable certificate that looks something like these two:


Not many people know this, but in addition to his keen interest in space, Biggles is always looking for ways to improve daily life for his long-suffering humies. He’s modified countless socks to increase ventilation and keep our feet from overheating on long walks, he’s nibbled the tops of my wellies so that I can easily tell them apart from Susan’s, and he’s always collecting dirty cups, knives, forks and spoons and taking them down into his corridor ready for transportation to the kitchen. His latest idea puts all that in the shade however, because he’s found a way to make all Beagle bottoms self cleaning. Like all great ideas it’s simple and uses materials that are readily available in most households:

  • Step 1: Obtain a towel. These can usually be sourced from washrooms, unattended sports bags, or the “to be washed” pile in the utility room (assuming you can sneak in there without being noticed, and let’s face it, any dog who can’t do this doesn’t deserve to be called a Beagle)
  • Step 2: Cut out a portion of the towel using your chewing gear. You can go with pretty much any shape you want, though Biggles himself prefers ellipses. Just make sure you get around 5-6 square inches of material.
  • Step 3: Swallow the portion of towel you’ve cut out.


In true Blue Peter tradition, here’s one that Biggles prepared earlier.
Along with a stray cup and fork of course..

That’s literally all there is to it. Once that towel portion makes it way through and out the other end, you’ll have a sparkly clean bum-hole without any further effort. Yeah, I know what you’re saying to yourself: “That’s so simple it’s genius! Why hasn’t anyone thought of it before!!??” Well, that’s the kind of innovative, labor-saving idea that Biggles comes up with any time we don’t keep a good eye on him.

6 Replies to “Asteroids and Biggles’ Self-Cleaning Bottom”

  1. Susan in DE

    That self-cleaning bottom idea is brilliant! It’s certainly a million dollar idea — just like the one I had to open a clinic to teach Kegel exercises to old incontinent female beagles. We’ll all be rich!

    Beagles in space is a whole other story. I still laugh about the disappearance of the Beagle 2 Mars landing craft in 2003. What did they think was going to happen when they let a Beagle off-leash? It took off and immediately stopped listening, and was never seen again. ;->

  2. Paul Post author

    Yep they made two crucial mistakes with Beagle 2: #1 they called it “Beagle”, and #2 they neglected to send a big handful of chicken down to Mars ahead of the lander :)

  3. Sue in Texas

    I just hope you appreciate the brilliance that lives amongst you. Wow, he is the Einstein of the Beagle world. You are a lucky family to have him.

    Barney, Jodi & Huggy Bear sent their names in as well. Thanks

  4. Paul Post author

    Oh trust me, we’re reminded of his ability for creative thinking nearly every day! :)

    That said, I have noticed that most if not all of his ideas involve a bit of nibbling…

  5. Julie Gill

    Is there anything that a beagle won’t eat?!!! We’re lucky that neither of ours chew anything but their rawhide sticks and their own toys, but when it comes to food anything goes! They consume revolting things they find when they’re out like it’s a banquet and they haven’t been fed for months. Cassie has even eaten fat balls that are intended for birds, including the netting they’re enclosed in. Luckily all went through the processing plant and came out safely the other end!

  6. Paul Post author

    @Julie: yep the more disgusting it is, the better it seems to taste. Same goes for water too; they never want the clean stuff that I’ve carried for them, but that mucky puddle hits the spot!

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