Buckets, Booties & Bonkings

Recently I saw a 50-item doggy “bucket list” making the rounds and wondered how many things Beanie & Biggles had already covered. Let’s see…

  1. Flop down in front of a roaring fire
    Nope. Haven’t set fire to anything (yet)
  2. Swim in the sea
    Tick! Though we’re only prepared to do this if sufficiently motivated, e.g. if we’re chasing a bird or a horse
  3. Play in the snow
    How can you live in Scotland and not have done this? Tick & Tick & Tick!!!
  4. Dig up a flower bed
    Biggles is a bit behind the curve on this, but Beanie’s a past master. Anything that gets planted in our garden has to be heavily protected by fencing otherwise little Miss Brown Paws will certainly rip it up.
  5. Redecorate a room using the “Beethoven” technique
    Sadly this is a fail for both our two, but Beagles don’t really have the right kind of fur to do this properly. However, Beanie likes to rub herself along the skirting board when she’s mucky, and Biggles has stripped the paint off some of our cupboards with his attempts to open them. Does that count?
  6. Have your own spot on the sofa
    Come on, they are Beagles after all. Tick. Obviously.
  7. Accompany owner on a run
    This is a regular fixture for Beanie & Biggles, though they have to run on lead due to uncontrollable naughty tendencies
  8. Attend a family picnic
    This item doesn’t specify whether the picnic belongs to their own family, or some other one. Fortunately however you interpret it, they’ve got this one covered.
  9. Help owner get a date
    Nope. If a Beagle manages to get a date or any other kind of fruit, said Beagle will simply consume it on the spot instead of sharing it with their owner.
  10. Lift owner’s spirits on a bad day
    Tick. Beagles are natural entertainers! What’s more, Beanie always comes running with her tail on turbo wag if either of us ever gets injured. After all, an injured humie is less able to protect their pockets from a good rummaging.
  11. Visit a different continent
    Does a trip to Arran count?
  12. Roll in a really mucky puddle
    Nope. No self-respecting Beagle would want to roll in a puddle! But a roll in fox poo or a rotting sheep carcass? Now you’re talking!
  13. Ruin a pair of shoes
    Tick. But why stop at shoes? Socks, pants (inner and outer), coat pockets, gloves, rucksacks, the list goes on…
  14. Sleep in a humie’s bed
    Tick. Every morning.
  15. Wake owner with a big wet kiss
    Beanie & Biggles don’t really do kisses in the traditional doggy sense, but Beanie likes to prod our faces with her nose, and Biggles once left a wet ring of anal gland juices on my t-shirt (while I was wearing it).
  16. Chase a cat during a dream
    Cats, sheep, socks and postmen have probably all been dream-chased by our two.
  17. Learn “sit” in a foreign language
    No, but food is a universal language. Pull out anything tasty and their bottoms will hit the deck (but probably not for long)
  18. Join in a humie’s football game
    Not yet, but Biggles in particular has the necessary skills thanks to his Trieball training.
  19. Meet a famous dog
    Yes, kind of: http://www.flickr.com/photos/27172079@N08/4823945831/in/set-72157624447787375/
  20. Have a go at dancing
    They’ve both had a go at Heelwork to Music, and Beanie’s even dabbled in Poopwork to Music
  21. Convince your owner you can howl English words
    They’re hounds, but they haven’t really done any howling as such.
  22. Get filthy within 30 minutes of a bath
    What’s a bath?
  23. Howl along with your favourite song
    Does baying over the sound of the TV count?
  24. Ride in an open top car
    Nope. And if they ever do, they’ll be in their harnesses and strapped down tight, ‘cos they are certainly daft enough to jump out of a moving car.
  25. Learn to skateboard
    No skateboarding, but they can balance on a gym ball reasonably well!
  26. Have a personalised Christmas stocking
    Of course they have. And soon they’ll have their own advent calendar..
  27. Give the postie a righteous woofing
    Pfff! What self-respecting Beagles hasn’t?
  28. Be a ring bearer at a wedding
    Seriously, you’d trust a Beagle not to swallow the ring?
  29. Try to follow a squirrel up a tree
    I think our two are secretly afraid of squirrels. Any time they’ve crossed paths with one, they’ve made a point of pretending not to notice it. Oh the shame…
  30. Go to work with your owner
    If that were to happen, it would be immediately followed by a P45
  31. Have your own presence online
    You’re reading it!
  32. Romp though a forest
    If a heavily wooded park counts, then yes.
  33. Have a personalised kennel
    They’ve even had one built to their own specifications
  34. Ride on a boat
    Yes, although the seating arrangements left something to be desired
  35. Play frisbee on the beach
    Tick, though we did chew it a bit.
  36. Receive your own birthday card
    Biggles has, and it was edible!
  37. Steal someone’s lunch when they’re not looking
    Biggles waits until you’re not looking, but Beanie doesn’t care, she’ll just shock-and-awe her way to an extra lunch
  38. Watch the washing machine for a whole cycle
    No, but Biggles has nicked socks from the tumble dryer
  39. Eat doggy ice cream
    They’ve had doggy beer, but not doggy ice cream. Have to see what we can do about that…
  40. Create a diversion and steal another dog’s dinner
    Who needs a diversion?
  41. Run a doggy marathon
    No marathons, but they’ve done plenty of 5Ks and 10Ks
  42. Receive a doggy birthday cake
    Of course!
  43. Rip the stuffing out of a pillow or cushion
    Bizarrely, no cushions or pillows have been lost so far. It’s a very different story for duvets however.
  44. Unwrap birthday presents
    And Christmas presents too!
  45. Watch Lassie on TV
    Lassie? Who wants to watch a film about a Collie with gender confusion? Underdog is the viewing choice for the discerning Beagle!
  46. Be in a family portrait
    Scores of ’em
  47. Have an argument with your own reflection
    No, in fact Beanie & Biggles have never shown any interest in their reflections. But Biggles has often had a conversation with his own echo.
  48. Be a regular at the local pub
    They have been in a few pubs, but we never take them back to the same one. You can probably guess why…
  49. Star in a YouTube video
    How about this and this? Tick!
  50. Sleep in a posh dog hotel
    Well, they’ve been in a hotel that allows dogs. I don’t know if you’d call the Travel Inn posh though. It certainly wasn’t posh after our visit!

There are a few things missing from this list though:

  • Eat human poo? Tick!
  • Shred a phone book?



  • Almost swallow a used tampon? Tick!
  • Eat half a kilo of grapes without chewing a single one of them, then vomit the whole lot back up on the floor of the emergency vet? Tick..
  • Witness a sunrise from the top of a mountain? Tick!
  • Manage to chew and lick a damaged pad on your rear foot no matter what size of “lampshade” collar you happen to be wearing?




That last one was accomplished this week. Biggles turned what was originally a little graze on a pad into an open wound by incessant licking and chewing, so we broke out the posh blue Elizabethan collar we’d used on Beanie just a few weeks before. It denied him access to his foot for maybe two minutes before he found a technique for defeating it, so I took him to the local Pet Shop to get a bigger one. We ended up with the second largest size – the biggest one that could still be tightened sufficiently around his neck, and yet within a a couple of hours he’d worked out how to beat that too.  As a fallback I’d also bought a little strap-on doggy boot so I put that on him too, hoping that the combination of the lampshade and the boot would keep his foot safe. Wrong! He stood there with his foot raised, looking very sorry for himself, and when I eventually coaxed him into taking a step with it the movement can best be described as a cross between Michael Jackson doing the “moon walk” and John Cleese in the Ministry of Silly Walks sketch. Seconds later he’d somehow pulled the boot off, so epic failure there.

With the pad wound steadily growing in size we finally took him to the vet who gave us a highly effective cream and an even larger “lampshade”. This one would look fine on a Labrador, but on Biggles it’s positively huge and he doesn’t allow for the extra clearance it needs when he’s walking. Whenever he’s on the move in the house it’s “BONK! BONK!” as he bangs into things and knocks them over. What’s more, he’s still managed to get at his foot a couple of times even through the collar, but it’s held him off just enough to let his foot heal. He’s now back to walking outside, albeit with a thick coating of Musher’s Secret on his pad for protection.