Just like humans, older dogs can lose their faculties. This is easy to spot in the case of well-trained, super-obedient dogs like the various shepherd breeds, but things become less clear when you’re dealing with aging Beagles. In recent years Susan and I have often discussed whether Beanie & Biggles are losing their hearing, or having senior moments.

For example, Susan might ask “What if Beanie is going deaf, and you call her when she’s off-lead on the beach and she doesn’t come?”

My response to that was typically “And how would that be any different to how she’s been most of her life?”

It’s true; Beanie & Biggles have been masters of the art of selective deafness for a long time. And on the subject of acting confused, well if you ask me Biggles has spent his whole life being confused. Now however even I have to admit to seeing concrete signs that our oldsters are starting to lose it proper. Last year Beanie was completely and mercifully untroubled by the whizzbangs of local firework displays, and for the last few months there’s been no reaction from either of them if I’m snacking on peanuts and one falls unobserved to clatter on our laminate floor. More recently, they’ve both become easily startled, even by each other. Just this morning Biggles was snoozing in our bed when Beanie decided she wanted to be in there too. Somehow she completely missed the fact that he was present, and she trampled over him. He woke up with a start and things suddenly got all growly and snarly. This sort of thing has happened a few times now; the first time was shocking but now I just pull them apart and tell them both to calm down and put their teeth back in.

Slightly more amusing is when Beanie or Biggles stride purposefully out of the lounge, then wander the hall for minutes at a time apparently unable to remember why they went out there in the first place. Actually I do that a lot too. Come to think of it I do that most days, but at least I always remember when I’ve set out on an urgent mission to the toilet. Unlike my oldest boy, I’ve never got so confused that I drop my trousers and take a dump on the floor.

On the subject of just doing things wherever you happen to be, Poppy has already submitted her entry for Laziest Vomit Of 2023. She was cosied up on the far end of our leather sofa, and when the stomach plunger started up it was Big Vom Dot Com all over the arm and seat; she couldn’t even be bothered to jump down onto the rug and trot over to the most light colored patch that would show off the vomit to best effect. By contrast, she does always jump off the sofa when she’s dealt a particularly vile fart, but then everybody gets off the sofa when Poppy drops one. She’s got me and both Beagle boys thoroughly beaten when it comes to air poop pungency.